The pressure I put on myself as a mom of girls is immense. Last week was a rough one for me when it comes to motherhood. My heart explodes with love for my 3 little ladies but it doesn’t take away the frustration, anger, guilt and worry I often feel. In this post I am going to let it all out there with hopes you will relate, give me grace and let this be my place to be real and vulnerable. Here goes!
My girls are 5, 2 and 6 months. Each new age brings new stages. Some are fun and exciting and more recently some have been my biggest struggle. I have a huge sense of responsibility to them. I want them to grow up in a home that fosters their confidence, their self worth, a selfless heart and a love from themselves and each other that knows no bounds. But each little lady is unique and their needs to achieve these are different. Sounds like a lot of pressure, right!
My sweet 5 year old is going to kindergarten next week. She is amazing! Let me introduce you to her, I know she will captivate your heart like she does ours. She is thoughtful, sensitive, sweet, creative and has passion for so many things. She has a will stronger than I’ve ever seen and a spirit that overcomes. This little lady is also a master negotiator and will spin anything to make it go her way. This is where things get sticky and hard.
POWER STRUGGLES AND GETTING RAW
Lately we’ve been battling… a power struggle at it’s finest. You know she’s 5 and thinks she knows it all. I’m basically raising a teenager in a tiny body because the things she comes back at me with are insane. I didn’t think I would be dealing with this for at least another 10 years. She’s smart and witty but completely defiant when it comes to me. It infuriates me! I’ve never been challenged like this before and it’s teaching me a lot about myself, about her and about the kind of mother I want to be.
I’m learning that I need to be more real with her. She doesn’t respond to yelling or just being told what to do. I broke down in front of her twice in one day. She saw my raw real emotions, my frustrations, my heart exposed and my tears. I literally screamed in the car…yes, I just let out a big aggravated scream. I hated that this is what she saw but it was a blessing. I think letting her see me vulnerable and real created a break through in our relationship. Since she is sensitive and I think it helped us get to a new understanding.
BECAUSE RUNNING AWAY ISN’T AN OPTION
Some days I want to run away and not be a mom but that choice isn’t available. It’s not fair to her either. She deserves me to be all in even on the days that are the hardest. Love will be our bond and we will work through this together. She reminds me of myself in so many ways and in everything I do I will honor her. She’s worth it! And on the days I want to run away, I’ll just sit on the couch with a nice full glass of wine instead because I can only grow where I stay planted.
So instead of running away, I’m running in. I’ve found a couple books to read that were recommended and I’m reaching out to a mom who has a daughter older than mine who has faced similar issues in the past. I’m also fiercely praying for guidance and wisdom. I think one of my biggest fears is that I’m going to mess them up and I continually hand that fear over to God.
Thanks for reading and going on this motherhood journey with me.
& Jenn Loyd Life + Style